call me a fanatic
for some reason i've returned here to this page to write. i have so many archives here and i don't want to lose them. i've already made copies of all the poetry and prose i've written here, but i just don't want to lose all the entries. i have yet to hear from easyjournal as to what, if any, process will be available to maintain all the archives in separate files for myself.
anyhow, an update on the happenings around here. i have at last finished my undergrad degree in vocal performance and am now on to a post baccalaureate diploma (like and arts diploma) at a bigger, better university. i am happy, so happy to be done my undergrad, but i'm now well into my new program and i feel that i have no right to be unhappy...but i am. i'm not satisfied with my work. i'm at a point where i don't know if i really want to study opera and make a career of it for myself. in short, i don't know what i want to do. i want to learn and study and grow and have opportunity, but i don't know if this program is the place for me to do it. i'm working with a really great voice teacher and have some sweet opportunities to get some work with some world-class classical performers. i am so grateful for this chance. for the change. for being away from that school. so...what's the matter? i don't know! i'm just not satisfied.
i have had a terrible case of writer's block since january of this year. it's been almost a year since i've been able to sit down and really pour out words that really speak to what's going on. i'm making an effort to write at ALL. it doesn't come so easy to me anymore. oh, i want to write! i want to be able to say what i used to be able to and not be afraid of the response. i want to be able to sit down and have something to say at all. i just...can't seem to find the words. it's like i either lost them, or they evade me altoghter. between work, school, homework, study, and being with a really great guy, i still feel like i don't know what to say. oh, i'm grateful. i'm grateful i have a job, that i can go to school, and for this amazing person i get to spend all this time with. don't get me wrong, i'm super grateful! but i can't seem to rest in that. i'm not satisfied.
you know, there are so many things i want to do and have a chance to try. i think i can do really anything i really decide to do. med school, music, theatre, english, art, dance, culinary arts, sports, i think i could essentially do really whatever i want! maybe i'm just not satisfied cuz i haven't had the chance to try? but trying gets SO expensive. i essentially need to decide what is an interest for hobby's sake, and what can i make a career out of? i've already made the choice that sports are a hobby, med school has taken a backseat and i doubt it'll ever happen, but what about art, music, dance, theatre, english?? i believe these can all exist together in some form. i just have to figure out how to make that something i can be employed in. now, culinary arts will likely have to end up being a hobby too i think. my painting has turned into that too. not to say that i can't take like a summer course or something sometime. there's no harm in that. doing culinary arts i can take random classes too right? just cuz i love something doesn't mean i'll necessarily be employed doing it. and that's ok i suppose. all i want is the chance. i'm still young and exploring. i don't think i have to give anything up at all! i just want the chance to discover my talents, regardless of whether or not i get paid to do it. oh, i'll still further my work in whatever career i end up doing. that's a priority for sure. but i think i can have several priorites. as someone with an "arts" personality i think it's essential for us to explore and be able to discover ourselves. that's the whole process that makes living worthwhile for us. freedom to learn, discover, explore and be creative. and that requires room. maybe we're larger than the life most people are used to living. maybe that's why there doesn't seem to be enough room for those of us with big personalities and big dreams. it's all-encompassing and it's not something we can just drop just because it's a lot bigger than the next person thought their neighbour could be.
alright, so i take up a lot of space. i need a lot of room for my dreams. i don't like being cramped. it chokes the life out of the person i am and all that i know i am capable of doing. we're not given dreams and aspirations to be tormented by the fact that the rest of the world thinks we need to narrow everything down and box ourselves in. they're big, i admit that. and it will take some time to explore through all these things and really discover what i am able to do. but i honeslty belive that without this exploration of gift, or talent, or whatever you want to call it, i die. i will no longer be the person i am, or that i know i can be.
and therefore, i am not happy.
okay, so now i think i've flushed it out pretty well. i know it's not rational. that's okay. the logical thinker won't understand this at all. logical thinkers are okay with being in a box. in fact, i wonder if they're afraid to leave their box. but i can't make that call, cuz i'm not that person. i have to be outside the box. for me, being in that box becomes my coffin. i just can't conform. doesn't work.
well now, *sigh* that feels a little better. now, how do i communicate this with the people around me who see me unhappy and i can't explain why, and they can't imagine why. belive it or not, i went back to visit my old university yesterday. i picked up my yearbook and sat and chatted with a lovely lady i know there who's been an inspiration and such an encouragement to me to keep being what and who i am. you know, of all my years there of being unable to be objective about it -- cuz i was totally emotionally involved -- i feel i can be more so now. and i think maybe for the first time, i saw a piece of God there. oh, i don't miss that school. lol, i do miss the abundant practice rooms and nice Blaurock to sit in and work in and have coffee in, and the leather couches. but no, i don't miss my life there at all. the life i'm in right now i'm still not satisfied with and i'm trying to learn how to make it something i AM satisfied with...on my own terms...but i'm glad i'm not there. i used to drive by and get queasy just thinking about all the crap i went through there. in the end, the campus is nice, the buildings are nice, and there ARE some nice people there. i will go back and visit again i'm sure. i just find it so ironic that i had a good day yesterday and i ended up being at my old school. my life of irony.
ain't that the truth.
